THE PILGRIM PRIMER
Albert T. Harlow OCM 12/24/1957
[Ed. This satire, written by Albert T. Harlow in the question-and-answer style of the New England Primer —[note the capitals] —for the amusement of his Hobs Hole and Jabez Corner friends, appeared in the Old Colony Memorial about 60 years ago. It has been saved all these years by J. Russell “Russ” Harlow, his nephew. We think it perfectly reflects the oldtime Yankee spirit and manner of speech. “Russ” Harlow thought there might still be some members of his generation left who would understand the references to names and places, and appreciate its dry wit. So—here goes—printed exactly as it was in 1900.]
Who discovered Hobbs’ Hole?
We’d rather not Tell—only we
didn’t do it.
What did the Person do when he Discovered it?
He Turned and Ran the other
way as Quick as he could.
What did he say?
He said, “Oh my Lord, what
Have I done?”
Was he Sorry he had discovered
Hobbs’ Hole?
He was very sorry—but the Deed
was Done.
Did he ever Discover anything
more?
He never Did. He spent the Rest
of His Life in Silent Prayer.
Was he Forgiven in the End?
We Hope so. “While the gas
holds out to flicker, the Vilest Sin-
ner may get his Likker.” (This
doesn’t apply to Plymouth—since
the last raid.)
Why did this Person feel so bad
because he had found Hobbs’ Hole?
Because he was a Prophet, and
he knew how they’d make things
sizzle for him in Future years.
Is the Place Red Hot now?
It is something Fierce.
How about the present Popula-
tion?
There are some Warm Rags
there—when Anse Bartlett’s store
catches fire.
Is it safe for a Man to put on
his Best Clothes and go over to
Hobbs’Hole after dark?
James Archibald Robertson*
says it isn’t.
What does he say further?
He says if a man calmly
contemplates taking his Life in
his Hands and Visiting these
haunts by Moonlight alone, he’d
better put his Waterbury in his
boot-leg to avoid temptation
to the Hobbs’ Hole Checker Club.
Why does he feel so Strongly
on the subject?
Because of an Episode which
took place at his Residence on the
occasion of a fire.
What was the trouble?
Jimmy wanted to let the Fire
Escape, but the crowd wouldn’t
Have it.
Why was it Thus?
They said the fire ought to stay
and be Put Out by the Depart-
ment.
Whence this anxiety?
The Boys had just bought 3
feet of extra Hose and they want-
ed to see if they could connect all
right with a sewer.
Did the Fire wait to be Put Out?
No, while they were disputing,
it opened the Door and Went Out.
Where did all this Occur?
At Obery Heights.
What is the Relative Position of
Obery Heights as regards Hobbs’ Hole?
It is a Hard place Small by.
Is the Hobbs’ Hole fire depart-
ment a Moral and Educational in-
titution?
It is when Commodore Albert T.
Harlow (pronounced “Har-ler”)
is bossing the job.
Does it ever let a Fire Get
Away from it?
Rarely seldom, if it can Help it.
A fire has been Known to crawl
off several yards and Hide, and
then be Found by a Hobbs’ Hole
Fireman. Jimmy’s conflagration
was a rare exception. The depart-
ment is still keeping an Eye out
for it.
Is the Department Successful in
Putting Out other things besides
burning buildings?
It is very Successful in Putting
Out Men.
Give an Illustration.
The other day it Distinguished
itself by Extinguishing Capt. Lem
Burgess. It believes in doing a
Job in Thorough Shape. After the
Cap’n had been neatly extracted
from his shirt of fire, Clark Finney
wanted to Duck him in the Wa-
tering-Trough. But Commodore
Harlow said, “No, He’d be more
Put Out than was good for him,
and becasuse a Man has just es-
caped burning, there’s no reason
why he should be threatened with
a Watery Grave.” So, the Cap’n
still lives.
Of what is the surface of Hobbs’
Hole compsed?
Land and water.
What do land and water make?
Mud. Some of the Hobb’
Holeans have plenty of Sand though.
Bound Hobbs’ Hole.
It is bounded on the north by Dea-
con Fuller’s blacksmith shop, on
the east by the steamer Mary
Chiltonville, on the west by an
imaginary line and on the south
by Cap’t Ben Sears.
Are they all Captains in Hobbs’
Hole?
They nearly all are, and the rest
are Commodores. But they all
eat Capt. Howland’s clam chow-
der.
Is not the Mary Chiltonville
likely to be an uncertain Boundary
line?
By no means certainly, not at all,
She has gone to grass.
Hey! ?
Yes, salt-hay. Let her Rest in
Peace.
Whence came the names “Jabez
Corner” and “Hobbs’ Hole”?
Jabez was an Early Settler who
had a “Corner” on everything
within Reach—and what he
couldn’t Reach he jumped for—
and Hobbs was another settler who
thought he’d got in a Hole when he
struch here.
Did the Pilgrims know about
Hobbs’ Hole?
No, indeed. If they had, they
would have Landed there. They
expressed Regret about it after-
ward. They said ‘twould have been
Livelier for the Children.
How did the Impression arise
that the Pilgrims founded Hobbs’
Hole?
From some of the things in Anse
Bartlett’s store.
Would you like to live in Hobbs’
Hole?
We would not.
Inasmuch as why would you not?
Because we Desire to live
respectable in our Old Age.
(*) Mr. “Jimmy” Robertson,
then a resident of Obery Heights,
is said to have had a flaming thirst
for strong spirits.
**** **** ***
NOTES:
Albert T. Harlow was a carpenter who lived at 208 Sandwich St. Ansel Bartlett’s store is now The Corner Market. Lemuel Burgess was a painter who lived at 36 Warren Ave. Clark Finney was a milk dealer who lived at 250 Sandwich St. Capt. Lemuel Howland was a painter and paper-hanger who lived at 207 Sandwich St. Deacon Fuller’s blacksmith shop was at 170 Sandwich St. (formerly Boyer’s Paints). Capt. Ben Sear’s house was 254 Sandwich St. (formerly the Reed house). The “Mary Chilton” (no “ville”) was a small steam launch that brought people across the harbor to the Columbus Pavilion on Plymouth Beach; apparently out of operation at the time. Jabez Corner was named for Jabez Churchill who lived and had a store there, and no one really knows how Hobbs’ Hole got its name, although it was thus known in 1623 (see http://www.jabezcorner.com/jbz/jbz-intro.htm ). A “hole” in this sense refers to a inlet or cove, as in Woods Hole, Holmes Hole (now Vineyard Haven) and Whale Hole (now White Horse Beach). Jimmy Robertson isn’t to be found in any Plymouth record yet seen.